Santa Clause Dead At Age 2,029
Press Release: Santa Clause Found Dead In North Pole of Toxic Chemical and Heavy Metal Poisoning. (Courtesy of the Walrus Gazzett)
Apparently, subject to a complete investigation, Mrs. Clause found Santa hunched over his work table early yesterday morning. An emergency autopsy, mandated by territory of the North Pole, determined that Mr. Clause had died of an over dose of city pollution. This was strange since Santa only ventured into the cities once per year to deliver toys. It was found however, that Santa being a pure and innocent being (much like a young child) had not built up a resistance to many of the toxins and poisons like older city-dwellers have. Also, he did have a taste for fast food admitted Mrs. Clause. This may have had an impact on his general health and immune system since he weighed over 400 pounds at his demise. The county medical examiner stated there was no way to know if the chemicals killed him first or the French fries and soft drinks. It was a toss up.
The elves and the reindeer were examined and blood and urine sample were taken. Other than a few performance enhancers, nothing unusual was found in their systems. (Prancer stated in a frank interview with a local Eskimo paper that staying up all night on Christmas and working so hard required a few little helpers from the staff physician). Santa himself, tested negative for anabolic steroids. The Olympic committee was said to be much relieved at this. However, there is evidence that Santa had received regular innoculations and vaccinations which have recently come under some suspicion.
Found in Santa’s system, and liver, were a litany of chemicals too long to list. But, some of them were gasoline additives, rocket fuel, fertilizer, pesticides, antibiotics, factory effuse, cesium, strontium 90, fluoride, mercury, lead, cadmium and other heavy metals and long chain hydrocarbons. It is speculated that Santa’s love of dairy foods may have contributed to his obesity since he frequently drank milk full of BGH, (a potent hormone used in feed for livestock and poultry), and other hormones. It is just a theory at this time, but some scientists suspect if Santa had not visited so many elementary schools that he may have picked up far less pollutants and contaminants. We hope his successor is more savvy and health conscious and avoids areas of heavily concentrated pollutants such as schools, playgrounds, the ocean and anywhere in the inner city.
An unverified sources stated that Santa may have easily lived forever if he had known about therapies like the sauna detox program and other natural chelation methods. Unfortunately, Santa did not live in a state that sanctioned alternative medicine. “We were thinking of spending our summers in Texas or Georgia but it was just too hot and humid for my husband.” They mentioned that Santa’s Sleigh would go on auction just as soon as it was completely decontaminated. All proceeds will go to Santa’s favorite charity, Save Our Icebergs.
Mrs. Claus is now interviewing for a temporary Santa of more slender proportions with the option, that if he does a good job, he may be kept on full time. The salary is good but the health benefits leave much to be desired. At this time there is no health insurance for this position. We wish you all a merry Christmas and to all a good night. Sleep well kids.
Reported by Shaman Jim
Associated True Press (ATP)
